In 2019, I am seeking to find safety with men. Hand in hand with getting an education, I would seek to have a kind and beautiful dating relationship with a man. Much older than me, not married. I need to deal with my daddy issues before it ruins my happiness.
I want to have a feel of manhood that I will not be afraid of. I will flirt with that man, we will stay committed for how long it would last. He must not offer money but let him just be kind to me. I understand that most men measure their love in how much they can offer. So I am not going to reject gifts.
I just need to put my head on his shoulder and feel safe. Show up in his crib, clean it, wash, cook and still not feel as if I was working towards being loved or being married. Someone who would just be there to take all my hugs, warmth and strength. I would need it for stability.
I would bury my head in books, learning, reading. But I need a man I could call in the middle of the night to talk about what I read, or the randy lecturer who is eyeing my hairy legs. Someone who would tolerate my silence, buy me books and talk to me without threats. I can be unduly silent and introspective. I need a man who would be able see and accept it or talk to me when he feels like talking.
I want a man I can read with. I just want a man who I can stay with and not see any need to protect myself because he can do anything to protect me. Part of the reasons why my first relationship did not last is because, in addition to needing a boyfriend, I needed a father figure too. I needed to fill that void. I wanted peace. I wanted a man who would hold my hands, replace those bad memories, coach me out of the biases I had. But my boyfriend then needed a made woman. So it did not match.
I am a submissive woman, not just because the bible says so, but because its a pattern of survival among people of the masculine gender. I bring my smart arse to the table. I spend time evaluating my decisions. This 2019, I am digging for male company, that I naturally won’t be afraid of. A place that can help me face my inadequacies and not feel ashamed. A person I can be kind to without any expectations or end in sight. Just me being kind. I had to put dating because that kind of thing is hard to find outside a commitment especially in Nigeria.
2019_ getting educated
Dealing with my daddy issues.